So, has anyone else heard the new Flyleaf Album, Memento Mori?It’s super awesome! I especially love Beautiful Bride, and This Close. The other songs are cool too, but they can’t soothe me and uplift me in the way that those two can.

“I don’t know who I am anymore
Not once in life have I been real but I never felt this close before”

“Please, give me something
I’m so thirsty, I’m so thirsty
Oh please let me warn them
Don’t you come here
Don’t bring anyone here
The chasm isn’t fixed yet
Take this water
Drinking ever deeper
Living water”

-Chasm

It’s like I’m the Chasm, and the Living Water is my blood. I feel like I’ve got to  make people stay away from me because it’ll only go badly if I let them get too close. All that will happen is that I get horribly hurt, and have to end up limping onto the next adventure in my F-ed up life.

I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I get in these little tantrum moods, where nothing can be done. everyone has to tiptoe around me. I feel Super useless now.

I don’t have a job, I’m just soo useless. i don’t contribute to society. I’m just a blight on everything.

There has only ever been one person in my life that I believed loved me unconditionally and without doubt, and I fucked that up too. I miss my grandfather soooo much.

Do all women have to play this game with the one they love, where woman gets mad about porn viewing, love denies it, big fight ensues, then it’s solved by woman pretending she doesn’t know love watches porn, and love pretends not to for woman’s sake?

I find it upsetting. I deleted a lot of my stuff when I got into this relationship. I just finished deleting the rest of it last week. He, on the other hand, has a ton of stuff. He calls it his inspiration to draw. He likes to draw women, although (according to him) he can’t draw them well. I told him that he just likes to look at women. Big-breasted curvy women, the former of which I will never be.

He wonders why I have poor self-esteem; or rather why I STILL have it. It makes him upset when I put myself down, don’t see myself as valuable, the way that he and others view me. That’s been imprinted into me since my pre-teens and onward. No matter how hard I try, I will never measure up, never be good enough. I’m aware of it. It has me feeling like I’m drowning in a sea of unworthiness. This is why I have trouble having a relationship with God. I’m not worthy of His eternal Forgiveness, and the reward of everlasting life. That and the fact that I’m currently living in sin.

I love him, but his explaining away of his porn habit bothers me. I do kinda understand why he needs it, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. It’s like an affirmation that I’m not good enough. But I should be used to that. He doesn’t listen to me when I say that it hurts me, or any of that. He complains that I don’t talk; I’ve just found it easier to stay silent because it’s too painful to scream and find out that no one is listening to you. That you’re just so unimportant that even when you do speak up, no one will listen to you, and yet they will chastise you for not speaking.

I’m seriously reconsidering my engagement. It’s not that I don’t love him, but that we hurt each other too much. Me with my trying to be so strong and self sufficient, and never asking for help until I nearly collapse, and him with how he handles his interests. I mean, he tries to listen to me, but sometimes he just can’t understand what I’m saying. Really, the only issue with him is his porn watching, his folders of pics of scantily clothed(but not naked), provocatively posed women, and his inability to remember all the bills we have.

He has all these Pics of women, and he gets mad at me when I say that one guy is really hot. He tells me all this shit about his Exs, but gets upset when I meet an old friend and tell him that at one point in the Past, I would have dated the guy. Unlike him, I don’t have pictures of these people sitting around on my desktop or anywhere on my computer. Hell, I only have one pic of an Ex, and that’s from when he and I went to homecoming together.

I feel lost here. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m crying a lot and I’ve picked back up the habit of smoking. (I don’t do it often, just once or twice a week.) I don’t have anywhere to go; my mother has let my brother take over my room for excess computer storage, and I can’t afford to get my own place. I just don’t make enough. So I’m stuck here. Unless I decide to commit suicide. I don’t think I will, it just bounces around my head as one of those “what-ifs” I always have when I’m depressed.

I’m welcoming any comments anyone has on this. I just had to get this off of my chest, but I think I’d like to know that someone is listening to me, that anyone is reading this, for laughs or whatever.

Worked some more, picked up a second job, suffered a severe head injury, tried to jump the 10th st bridge 3 days later, went back to WPIC, fashioned a noose out of a bed sheet, got in major trouble, stayed two weeks again. Got out, worked the two jobs until May, when I quit the second because the new GM was a total Douchebag who insulted me in front of customers.

back to April: got acquainted with an old friend, slept with him, moved in with him. It was the first time in so long that I got a good night’s sleep. Figured out that I was falling in love with him. Took car to get inspected, have to pay $1500 to get it back, got a pay raise, got my hours cut. Learned how to catch the bus. Got proposed to, accepted.

And here we are today. Life again sucks for me.

Seriously. We asked hi to repeat something because he was talking to low at first, so he came towards the back of the room, and spoke up, but we still couldn’t understand what he was saying. It was something about how when wood or peat is under pressure, it loses it’s moisture, and slowly goes through this whole progression towards anthracite coal.

Then he started to talk about Geothermal heating and cooling. I understood about every other word he said. It’s so funny, because he’ll ask a question, and gets a little upset at us when we don’t understand what he’s said.

But he had to come back after the drop/add period has ended. this means that I can’t drop the class in order to take something that I can be taught in fairly clear English.

God! I hate Penn State.

Oh, thank God! His cute TA just came up to explain how Geothermal heating and cooling works through the principle of heat transfer. Yes I understood it before, but, the TA is fairly cute. I love young Indian (India, Hindi) guys. ^-^ !!!

So now I only have 4 classes, but I need to find another class so I have 17 credits this semester. The classes I kept were Philosophy of Ethics, Korean 1, Japanese 1, and Energy and the Environment. I find that I learn more in my Japanese class, But I have more fun in my Korean class. Energy is a huge class (~150), but the layout is such that everyone can see the teacher clearly, and be heard if you speak loudly enough. I love this class because the teacher is super chill for a 50 y/o Hindi. He makes jokes and makes the material easy to understand. And I’m one of his favorites simply because I’m will to speak up in class.

We’re discussing Aristotle in Ethics. OMG, it’s harder to understand and more long winded than an epistle by the Apostle Paul. (from the New World Translation). I have been to that class twice and still don’t have a clue about it. Very easily my worst class.

I went to go meet my adviser yesterday, and proceeded to wait a half hour before I could see her. So it’s my turn and some stupid cunt just goes in right ahead of me. I say Excuse me, but she doesn’t even respond and just goes right on in. Well, it’s 3:20 by now, and I have to go meet my ride home at 3:45, on the other side of Campus. So I have to leave. Like, seriously, does no one have common decency anymore?

Inb4 Why So Serious, Batman?

I think I just really needed to get that off my chest, rather than actually having a purpose to this post.

Meh, Whatever….

This is my first night up here. And then I woke up at a quarter to 4. I can’t get back to sleep for anything. I feel so absolutley homesick, it’s not funny. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry until sunrise. Why only until sunrise, do you ask? Daylight makes everything better. I know that seems fairly childish, as if my monster under the bed will cease to be as soon as the first rays of sunlight hit me.

But for me, I can know that I am not alone when the sun comes up and shines light on all that is around me.

Don’t take me for one of those preachy-christian types, because my current relationship with God is one that is removed and distant. I feel there is a God, but I also feel I cannot be close to Him because of His edicts and guidelines that He established and commanded us to follow in the Bible, such as loving others.

I don’t love anyone. At all. I feel affection for others, I feel duty to many. I feel Obligated to be a good person to make up for these deficiencies.

I don’t believe in Karma either. I have been a good person – aside from the whole not loving anyone thing – but the world is still allowed to shit on me?!?

I can’t find an apartment, I sleep in a car, The university sends me misleading emails and then designates me to voicemail hell when I try to get back to them about any of it. And nobody can help me.(At least that’s how is feels, My aforementioned friends do).

Therefore, I don’t believe in Karma.

I’m reading back overthis now,and wondering the same thing you are:

How did this go from a speech on how homesickk I am to why Karma doesn’t exist?

I have no idea…

He’s a Multiple Personality. He has deadly ones that hate me, and child ones that just cannot understand. He can switch between them at random, without warning, and without remembering what was just going on around him. He tends to be someone I have to watch my back around, someone I have to pity and talk down to, and someone I hate. I cannot relax around him, constantly being on guard. I am not allowed to be me.

The point is this: I’ve never blogged before. And thanks to that class, I’m willing to try it out. I usually hate the idea of someone being able to read all my thoughts and whatnot online, even laughed at people who did. but I’ve changed. I will give it a try, simply to improve my writing skills and to let myself be a little less tense. Maybe something good can come of it anyway.

Ja ne! ^–^